handiramy's Blog

Just a stupid weblog

My Uncommitted Lover

on January 22, 2016

I have been “dating” someone for about 14 months with no commitment on his part. I’ve discussed being in a relationship several times when we first started getting intimate. The first time I told him that I loved him, he didn’t say he loved me too, but “I like you a lot.”. I cried that night, thinking he would never commit to me and leave me, but he said, “Why are you crying? I didn’t say a ‘NO’. And I promise I will never change, the things between us will be the same as before.”. Yep, he didn’t give me a ‘NO’, neither a ‘YES’. It was grey. He said he couldn’t make a relationship with me. “We have no future.”, he said.

“I would be so happy and lucky if I could have a girlfriend like you. You are beautiful, sweet, tall, you wear hijab, and hey you are a petroleum engineer! I wish you were a Pakistani…”. He always says I’m the best girl he has ever known. Yet he keeps sticking on his stance that he won’t make a commitment with me. I guess he is too afraid to fight for me against his culture and family. Both won’t let him to marry an older foreign woman.

But all his actions indicate otherwise. He treats me well. He is so gentle, sweet, loving, compassionate, considerate, and romantic. He treats me like a girlfriend, a best friend, a lover. I am confused and torn. And he doesn’t want to be blamed. I used to ask myself the same questions every day. Should I continue as we are or let him go? Should I just leave him and move on although he never lets me go?

I’m at the point where I feel like I should let him go, or I should go. I often tried to end things but I found myself back to him all over again. Now I’m becoming increasingly more numb – from the fear of being hurt or left by him for someone else. I feel like I hate myself for staying in this situation so long.

At first, I stayed because I liked to be loved by him and I didn’t want to be lonely. I thought if I wasn’t enough for him, he could leave. I also knew that he was not my one, and he knew it too, but I stayed because he gave me reasons to believe I could be. But now I found this situation tortured me.

The people who love more don’t leave though. They stay and stay and stay, kept alive by hope and the promise of what could be. It always does when you are the one who has already sacrificed so much in order to stay.

I’m now in a situation where I have to be strong enough to leave. Some people said relationships do not have to have commitment to be fulfilled, but for me the lack of commitment is hurting me. It’s making me insecure, and I don’t have the sense of safety that would allow me to grow alongside him. Instead, I have to dedicate so much of my energy to navigate my non-relationship relationship.

Yes, insecure. The emotional disturbances and sense of insecurity is not easy to deal with. What made me feel insecure was not only because of lack of commitment, but also after the first few months, he doesn’t text and call me as often as he used to. I wonder if he is losing interest in me, or he found someone else.

There were months that I always felt like he’s neglecting me. He didn’t read my text although he was online. But he said he never had intention to neglect or ignore me. He said he would never ignore me.

I know insecurity spoils relationships. Insecurity drives people to become too clingy or needy, and obviously this creates problems. I admit maybe I am too clingy to him. If he is online but not talking to me, I’m thinking if he is chatting with another special girl. If I don’t know exactly where he is, I get suspicious. He constantly has to reassure me. The problem with me is I cannot hide that I feel insecure, and I cannot control my emotions and anger. I’m torn by his lack of commitment, but he is torn as well by my lack of trust.

I am actually a type of person who trusts people quite easily. I used to believe that all people are good, everyone I met was good. Until my latest ex-boyfriend betrayed my trust.

I did trust him a lot at first, even if he didn’t respond to my messages I didn’t mind it, and I had no insecurity that he might talk to other girl. I shared him everything as if I have known him for 20 years. I thought he would do the same, but he didn’t. He is way too introvert and being excessive about his privacy. We are so close but I don’t know him. This grows my insecurity bigger and faster. “You always think negative.”, he often said so.

I love him so much. I’m fond of him so much, and I can’t bear the thought of losing him. But if we continue living in this situation, we will just keep on hurting each other. We keep on pointing finger to each other, “Why are you doing this to me?”. I know that he is decent, caring, and honest, but the emotional bit I feel is like “just a matter of time” before things go wrong.

Today, I ended things with him. I realized something: the person who will make you happy is not the person whom you love, but the person who loves you. He was good and kind, but the true tenderness and genuine feelings were not developing at the same pace as me. What a hard thing to go through, but I hope I’m strong enough to cut myself loose and open myself up to the sort of love I want and deserve.

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