handiramy's Blog

Just a stupid weblog

My Day – 15th June

on June 16, 2014

Oh God why is it so cold this morning? I can’t be separated with my bed and my blanket.

Ok let me write about my day yesterday, 15th June.

Yesterday morning, I had breakfast together with my brother and his girlfriend. After that, at about 10 AM, they went back to Jakarta. While I went back to my hostel and spent whole day in my room. There was nothing special.

I asked my Indian friend if he wants to Skype with me. He was just arrived home from the hospital (his mom is now being hospitalized, she had surgeries few days ago). I told him I missed him and he was like not believing it as he said, “It’s a miracle”, lol. Unfortunately we couldn’t Skype cause his internet package has ran out.

We then only chat on whatsapp. We talked about the Italy vs England match (World Cup), about he’s gonna have a job interview at Airtel this Monday, about his love to me, and then he asked me to admit that I love him too. Well, if I loved him, I would admit it. But I don’t, so what can I do? Love cannot be forced.

He seemed unsatisfied with my answers. I knew I broke his heart once again. I fell he was so sad but he hide it from me. He then tried to change the topic by singing this for me, “Ae kash kahi aesa hota ki do dil hote seene mn ik toti b jata ishq mn to takleef na hoti seene mn”. It means, “I wish one could have two hearts in chestbox so that if one gets broken in love then having the other one there wouldnt be any pain in chest”.

Later he asked me some things about marriage, like what I would do if my husband cheated on me with other woman. After I gave him some explanations then he said he wanna sleep and told me “good night”. I replied by, “it’s afternoon”, but he didn’t reply me again. Even we haven’t talked again until I’m writing this blog now.

At about 3 PM my Pakistani friend was online and he asked me to Skype with him. Let’s call him Fanir (not real name). He is my ex’s bestfriend since childhood. He was in his friend’s hostel named Shikaf (not real name). I know Shikaf too. So I Skyped with both of them until maghrib.

They were teasing on me. They told me that Fanir loves me and asked me if I will marry him. Of course I don’t! Whether they were serious or joking, my answer is no. I really like them as my friends, but I don’t love any of them as more than just friend. They asked me why and I tried to explain to them.

First, Fanir is not my type of man. I know that physical appereance is not everything, even my Indonesian ex was fat and not handsome. But I don’t like too skinny guys, and he is too skinny for me. His body and bones seem so fragile. It’s like I could break them easily. I really hate mustache and his mustache is so so thick! Seriously, mustache scares me.

Not only phisically but also mentally. I still remember how he used to always complain about his life and give up. I don’t like such person. How will I find a motivation from such person? Even my ex, Nanda (not real name), I never saw him in such weak mental. I always found my strength in him.

Second, Fanir doesn’t impress me anything. I mean, I like men who has any special ability, e.g., doing sport, playing any music instrument, singing, cooking, or anything. And he got none. Take a look at my Indian friend, ok let’s call him Sahil (not real name). Sahil can cook, play guitar, and photography. Physically he is tall and handsome, but I’m scare with his beard and mustache.

Third, it will be awkward. Especially for me and Nanda. Well I know he already hates me but just imagine if someday I met them and I was in romance with Fanir, when I saw Nanda I would feel awkward, and he might feel the same. I still remember 2 years ago I went to a friend’s wedding, her name is Lala (not real name). I asked my Indonesian ex (at that time we were still together) and my other friend to come with me. They really refused. I tried to beg them and finally they agreed. Why they didn’t wanna come? It’s because Lala was their ex. Actually she never been my ex’s gf, but they were very close as lovers, he loved her but seemed she didn’t really love him. They said, it’s so awkward to attend an ex’s wedding. Every guy will feel so, although they don’t love her anymore. Well yeah, my ex was still with me at that time, while my other friend also has got a girlfriend.

Fourth, and this is very important. I need the feelings of comfortable and “click” towards my man. Well okay Fanir can make me feel comfort, but not comfort enough to tell him my all problems, not comfort enough to take my hijab off in front of him. (Warning: do not take off your hijab in front of any guy who is not your mahram!). The most important is I don’t feel “click” with him. Not even with Sahil although he is awesome.

We also need a partner whom we feel match while having a conversation. I fell match in my every conversation with Nanda, also with my Indonesian ex. But not with Fanir, not always. I can say I feel match in conversation with my exs 100%, with Sahil 80%, and with Fanir 70%. Sometimes I don’t like Sahil’s style of writing and Fanir’s way of thinking.

Well I had fun together with them until maghrib. They even sang some songs for me, including Tum Hi Ho, my favorite Urdu song. They also tried to play a music instrument named Rabab. But once they also made me cry. Actually they didn’t mean to make me cry, just me a crybaby. They reminded me again about the romance between Nanda and his ex, I don’t know why I fell so down and sad. They reminded me again how bad I was for Nanda. The feeling of guilty came back again at that time.

At about 9.30 PM I skyped again with Fanir for almost 3 hours but Shikaf wasn’t there. I was very sleepy and couldn’t focus hearing what he’s talking about. He talked alot about political things and it made me more sleepy. The last, he told me that he really likes me and wish to marry a girl as me. He knew I have rejected him so he prayed for my happiness and wished me to get a good husband. He then said goodbye cause in the morning he would go back to his hometown for 3 months and would be unable to Skype with me. He said he would miss me. I told him he could just text me. I didn’t say I would miss him too cause it would just like I giving a fake hope to him. So I was just silent and only smiled.

I was feeling so bad last night, even until now, that I broke 2 guys’ hearts. I really didn’t want to hurt and break anyone’s heart. But there’s nothing I can do.

I’m traumatic of having cyber love again. Very.

Bandung, Monday,  16th June 2014.

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